No, I’m not a golden midget. I’m referring to that moronic little trophy that overgrown movie brats take home when some clandestine committee decides that their performance in some cheesy film is “good” or that their “story” or “direction” of said cheesy film is avantgarde and special and blah, blah, blah.
I, being a jerk (and an expert one at that) shall heretofore weigh in on what will happen at this lovely, overhyped, statue-swapping event given the moniker The Academy Awards. All that I say is true. It’s not my fault that everyone in the world doesn’t listen. I’ll just follow the list of nominee’s at Oscar.com.
Actor In a Leading Role
Nominees: George Clooney, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp, Tommy Lee Jones, Viggo Mortensen
TEJ Pick: Viggo Mortensen
Why: Because he was cool as Aragorn in LOTR. Lewis and Clooney have already had lots of plaudits; who cares about Tommy Lee Jones; and I don’t know why they won’t give it to Johnny Depp (a deep seated fear of barbers, likely).
Actor in a Supporting Role
Nominees: Casey Affleck, Javier Bardem, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Hal Holbrook, Tom Wilkinson
TEJ Pick: Tom Wilkinson
Why: I have no bloody idea. Look, Casey Affleck just seems like a gay choice; nobody wants to struggel saying that Bardem guy’s name; Hoffman won something last year, I think; who cares about Hal Holbrook; since Clooney won’t win for Michael Clayton they’ll give a sympathy midget to one of the backup stars.
Actress in a Leading Role
Nominees: Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie, Marion Cotillard, Laura Linney, Ellen Page
TEJ Pick: Julie Christie
Why: Blanchett will win for the Supporting Role in that Dylan movie (great, now I’ve given away my pick for the next category!); who cares about Cotillard (does anyone even know her?); never heard of Laura Linney; and as for Page – why give Jamie Lynn Spears anymore help?
Actress in a Supporting Role
Nominees: Cate Blanchett, Ruby Dee, Saoirse Ronan, Amy Ryan, Tilda Swinton
TEJ Pick: Cate Blanchett (which you already knew)
Why: Cuz she didn’t win the other one above; besides, who are those other women??
Animated Feature Film
Nominees: Persepolis, Ratatouille, Surf’s Up
TEJ Pick: Ratatouille, duh!
Why: Because everyone loved the bloody movie, no one would shutup about it! Is there even a doubt that it will win?
Art Direction
Whatever, who cares? Oh, all right.
Nominees: American Gangster, Atonement, Golden Compass, Sweeney Todd, There Will Be Blood
TEJ Pick: Atonement
Why: Because Kiera Knightley looked great; Sweeney Todd’s the only other contender and it looks like every other Burton film, so let’s just stick with the seductive Knightley.
Cinematography
Nominees: The Assassination of Jesse James …, Atonement, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood
TEJ Pick: There Will Be Blood
Why: Westerns are “in” right now again, but no one will want to have to recite the ridiculously long name of the other one; Atonement might take it, just cuz of the Knightley factor; who cares about the rest.
(Please note, I’m skipping a few categories here because I’m a jerk)
Directing
Nominees: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood
TEJ Pick: No Country For Old Men
Why: Because it’s weird, thus “artsy;” the others are good, but not odd enough to convince a clandestine committee of snobs that they are art.
(Skipping some more)
Film Editing
Nominees: The Bourne Ultimatum, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Into the Wild, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood
TEJ Pick: The Bourne Ultimatum
Why: Quite simply, the editing on all the Bourne movies rocked – some of the best action sequences ever put together; no one cares about that Butterfly flick; I just don’t know what to say about the others.
(More category skipping!)
Best Picture
Nominees: Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood
TEJ Pick: No Country for Old Men
Why: Once again, because it’s just … odd, different … and it’s got that one guy limping through the whole film – nothing says “give me a tiny gold plated trophy” like a limping killer; Atonement’s too sappy for Best Picture; Juno is just boring; Michael Clayton’s cool, but conspiracies are right out this year, unfortunately; There Will Be Blood doesn’t have a limping killer (at least, I don’t think so).
(Oh, look, I’ve skipped some again)
Visual Effects
Nominees: Golden Compass, Pirates of the Caribbean, Transformers
TEJ Pick: Transformers
Why: Oh, please! Watching Blackout take out that military camp was sweet; seeing Optimus Prime with a blade was beyond cool! Those other movies have nothing on the robots in disguise.
(Final bit of skipping)
Writing (Original Screenplay)
Nominees: Juno, Lars and the Real Girl, Michael Clayton, Ratatouille, The Savages
TEJ Pick: Michael Clayton
Why: Sympathy statue – it’s not getting much else; Ratatouille might upset here because people just like rodents, apparently; the other movies are pointless to discuss.
Well, thus and so have I picked some of the major categories. Take out a notebook and see how right I am when the show airs. If it airs, of course. Oh, sure, that one guy is all, “It’ll be on no matter what!” But, writers can be real jerks, you know? They may just ground the mouthy idiot. We’ll see.
