Why ask me a question about Coors? Do I seem to be a Coors drinker? Does it appear that I even care? Oh, I’m just some jerk sent here to answer lame questions, is that it? Whatever. Since I’m a jerk and I exist only to serve the Great Questioners, here goes: What is ‘banquet beer?’
Only the god of cowboys really knows, and he’s too stupid to remember or to be able to explain it to anyone. So, we’re on our own trying to decipher Coors’ idiotic moniker.
Oh, all right. Maybe not totally on our own. According to the official Coors website (yes, I went there. I didn’t enjoy it. It made me deathly ill for weeks, but, hey, what do you care – you needed answers!) the name was added to the label in 1936 because miners in the 1800s threw parties called ‘banquets’ and drank Coors at them. Yeah, that’s right. Parties from the 1800s changed Coors label in 1936. Brilliant.
So, let’s consider. Miners spend all day in dark underground caverns with a bunch of other guys. They are all jacked up on weird chemicals wafting through the mine shafts, not to mention they are oxygen deprived. At the end of the day, these madmen are released from their tunnels. Drooling with stupidity and streaked with the underbelly of earth entrails they sally forth into the night demanding ‘banquets!’ They probably eat bits of bark, armadillo parts, any rodent stupid enough to get in their way – and they demand a drink to accompany this feast. A sane person has just tossed away a big case of Coors pee. The miners find it and declare it a treasure beyond all treasures. “It done taste jes’ like’n’ that whizz we done drank last yonder weekend,” says one of the depraved inmates – miners! – to another. The chief of the nuts declares the beer to be their ‘banquet beer.’ The Coors brewery hears of this. They’re happy that someone finally likes their beer so they adopt the appellation. Great stuff, eh?
I mean, truly, not even the Coors company knows why it’s called ‘banquet beer’ other than that one obscure reference, yet it’s become ‘iconic’ of the igit canned beer. Whatever. You know what else is just spiffy? If you go to most craft beer websites there’s a link called ‘Our Beers.’ Notice the ’s’ at the end of beer, denoting more than one. At the Coors website, that option is singular. One beer. That’s it. For however many years. These idiots don’t even have to keep track of more than one beer and they still don’t know the roots of the name.
Well, I hope yer all happy now. I have answered a question in a jerky fashion and uncovered more Coors stupidness. And made myself sick in the process, what with all the cowboy beer viewing I had to do.
