INDIANA JONES and the KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL – Movie Review

Premise:  Dr. Jones is fired from his university but as he skedaddles out of town to live quietly abroad, he runs into young Mutt Williams.  It seems that Mutt’s mother is being held by thugs.  She told Mutt to find Indiana Jones since he’d be able to help.  At the center of the deal:  an ancient crystal skull from a lost Mayan city, Akator.  It has loads of power to bestow upon the one who returns it to its proper resting place.

Strengths:  A fedora and a bullwhip.  Plus, Mayan culture is a current topic of discussion, what with the doomsday calendar and all, so the Mayan crystal skull was a good choice.  The CGI was well done, if familiar.  Ford’s portrayal of the aged Dr. Jones was as relentless as the old movies.  It’s a safe movie to take the family to.  For those of us who remember Raiders of the Lost Ark, this was a fun and nostalgic trip.   The score is still top notch.

Weakness:  Indy’s frikkin’ old!  This was nearly pathetic.  He’s like a hero for old men now.  It’s very, very sad.  The movie would have been outstanding – twenty years ago.  Lucas and Spielberg are also showing their age.  These guys may have revolutionized movies a few decades back, but now they play it safe.  The story was easy to figure out.  We all knew Indy would find the skull; we all knew Mutt was his kid; we all knew Oxley was his old buddy – well, okay, I guess not.  No one knew that and having a second archaeologist in the movie that was actually the one who knew about the skull – not Indy – was anticlimactic.  All Indy had to do was follow the babbling cook.  Kinda boring. 

Shia LeBouf did his usual cocky-yet-airheaded routine and was not used well enough.  This movie would have been way better if they’d reversed the formula from Last Crusade – Indy as the mentor and Mutt as the adventurer.  The action scenes were lifted from Raiders, mostly, but we all knew how they’d turn out.  Some of the action was pushed just too far; the filmmakers were just trying to make Indy a bigger legend than he is – that nostalgic lens, you know.  For example, he managed to survive a nuclear blast in a refrigerator.  The fridge’s fall alone should have whacked him.  And the waterfall’s were ridiculous.  Oh, and the big ants – kinda cool, but again, ridiculous. 

Lucas must have some fetish about magnets or something.  He pushed it too far by throwing gunpowder in the air and having it magically attracted to a box on the other side of a huge warehouse.  And is there metal in gunpowder?  Plus, Indy’s old.  Did I mention that?  OLD!  It’s just hard to watch. 

Final Thought:  Hollywood needs a younger version of Lucas and Spielberg.  Back in the day, they could make movies that rocked!  Edgy, exciting, humorous.  Now, they are just living off what they were.  Crystal Skull was entertaining, but brainless.  Nowhere near as intelligent as Raiders or as emotional as Last Crusade.  It’s a tribute, basically, to what these guys were.  Which means they’ve nowhere left to go, maybe?  Disturbing.   Oh, and Roswell can bite me; I’m about fed up with that charade.

My Own Personal Comedy Favorites, Episode IV

At long last, I will post the final entry to my Top 40 Comedy Favorites series.  No, it’s not about radio; it’s about movies.  These are 40 of what I feel are the funniest movies.  I watch them at a regularly held film festival, WarpFest.  Now will follow the Top Ten, the best of the best, creme de la creme, etc., etc., yeah whatever.  Okay, get on with it, right?  Right.  The other entries in this series (so that you can catch up):  Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3.  Now, on with the Ten …

10.  Young Frankenstein

This is commonly held to be Mel Brooks’ masterpiece.  Well, so be it.  Filmed in black and white, it is an homage to and parody of classic monstrous movies – I mean, monster movies.  It was perfect.  Mispronouncing Frankenstein, seeking Abby Normal, the Monster singing “Puttin’ On the Ritz,” the violin music, the blind guy, the bride, the one military type with the funny arm … all of it was just genius.  Igor stole the show.

9.  Happy Gilmore

Adam Sandler at his best.  I loved the rhyming taunts in the bar.  His enraged attacks on the golf ball were classic as well.  This was a movie of great contrasts.  An angry hockey wanna-be named Happy gets drafted into a languid sport.  This movie is the sole reason I’d actually like to play golf now.  Only, I want to play Gilmore Golf. 

8.  Spaceballs

Mel Brooks makes his third appearance on the Top 40 list.  This parody of Star Wars is truly twisted.  It’s also slightly prophetic, I think.  What, you ask?  Brooks a prophet??  Well, on planet Spaceball air is scarce and they have cans of it in their desks.  We can and bottle and sell everything else on our planet, I’m sure air’s next.  Be that as it may, it was Rick Moranis’ portrayal of Dark Helmet that made this movie.  “Ludicrous speed now!”

7.  Zoolander

Yes, it was the beauty of “Magnum” or whatever that made me choose this movie.  Plus, he finally turned left.  Mugatu was pretty funny, too.   Besides, I agree totally with Zoolander’s educational ethic:  you can’t force children into a school the size of a desktop model!  They’d have no room for their notebooks.  And one last admission:  I can never listen to “Working for the Weekend” again without thinking of coal mines.  Thanks, Ben Stiller.

6.  Johnny English

Rowan Atkinson should have played Inspector Clouseau in the newest Pink Panther movie, not Steve Martin.  He does a superb job at creating a bumbling, self-infatuated and clueless secret agent.  His assault on the hospital was absolutely hilarious. 

5.  Kung-Pow:  Enter the Fist

Steve Oedekerk made a brilliant bit of comedy with this movie.  Well, brilliant in its own way.  He took an old kung fu movie and inserted himself in it, sometimes via CGI, sometimes via building identical sets and staging the same kind of scenes.  Then, he recorded some of the most brilliant dialogue and weird sounds and pasted it all willy-nilly onto the film.  As a result, we get silly kung fu fighters saying things like, “I’m a man, too.  I go pee-pee standing up.”

4.  The Wrong Guy

Dave Foley stars and does a great job as a complete nincompoop.  He’s Nelson Hibbert, an idiot who finds his boss killed, thinks he’s gonna get tagged for it and goes on the run.  This movie is a great sendup of “guy-on-the-lam” type movies.  Hibbert meets the luscious Lynn (Jennifer Tilly), who has epileptic problems.  One of my favorite scenes is when she’s trying to care for a scrape he got on his forehead and she ends up spraying some antiseptic into his eyes.  She starts crying because she’s so inept and Hibbert says, comfortingly, “It’s not you … it’s these … damn eyes.”  It is a beautifully absurd movie.

3.  Strange Brew

The ultimate beer movie.  There is not room here to write about how cool this flick is nor how much inspiration it has given to other twisted beer drinkers and film makers.  Suffice to say, it’s the reason I say “eh” at the end of most of my sentences and the reason my son and I call each “hosers” a lot.  It’s a great movie for dialogue when you need something innocuous to say.  “It’s a jelly.”  Or, “Take off, eh!”  Or, “I can’t believe my brother’s a murderer.”  Or, “Beauty, clerk.”  The movie is total classic, through and through.  The MacKenzie brothers rock.  Here’s to the Great White North!

2.  Anchorman:  The Legend of Ron Burgundy

I knew it would be great from the moment it started.  Ron calls out:  “Hey everybody, come and see how good I look!”  This movie is so vapid it’s genius.  Will Ferrell is stupendous and creates a wonderfully daffy character.  Plus, this movie too is full of ubiquitous one liners.  My favorite:  “60% of the time, it works every time.”   Of course, there’s also lines like:  “I can’t believe you woke the bears.”  And, “That escalated quickly.”  Or, “That’s quite pungent.  Burns the nostrils.”  Beautiful film that I can’t get enough of. 

AND NOW, THE #1 GREATEST COMEDY MOVIE EVER:

1.  MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

There is nothing more sublime than Python.  There is nothing funnier or smarter.  They are the greatest.  This movie is absolute comedic perfection.  It’s absurd genius.  “‘Tis but a scratch,” said the Black Knight.  That’s what only one viewing does, only scratches the surface of this gem.  One must watch it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and then you will begin to understand.  Sure, it’s not full of “huge tracts of land” but “there is some lovely filth” here and there.  (A joke, it’s a joke, you perverts).  There are dramatic idioms played out, musical numbers, French attacks, and spiritual revelations.  All in all, a brilliantly good idea for a film.  Of course, God agrees.  He said, “Of course it’s a good idea!”

So there you have it.  Forty hilarious movies.  Pick a few and have a comedy film festival of your own!

What a Nightmare!

Go read this news story. 

Okay, now that you’ve stopped rolling your eyes and sighing with weariness, let’s discuss.  I like the 80s, too – especially the music.  The movies were pretty cool, too.  But is Michael Bay really so vacuous that all he can do is remake the movies from his childhood?  Yes, there’s a strike, but still – what a moron!

First there was Transformers (which was actually fun to watch) – a remake of … toys fro the 80s.  Now the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.  And Friday the 13th.  Good lord, in their first incarnation those retarded movies lingered and lingered and lingered with sequel after sequel after sequel.  Now Bay wants to start that cycle over?  Does he have nothing better to do?

So, like, is Freddy going to destroy alot of stuff in this new movie?  I mean, that’s Bay’s thing right?  Destruction.  Take a city, or whatever else, and maul it in any way possible.  I can’t imagine him actually making a movie scary.  No, it’ll just be lots of blood and Freddy doing his normal cackling.  And it will all be completely vapid.

What disturbed me the most about the article was Bay’s plans on a remake of The Birds.  He’ll ruin it completely.  Currently, Martin Campbell is on board as director.  Here’s a list of some of his films.  You tell me if they are Hitchcockian in any way.

Casino Royale

Goldeneye

Legend of Zorro and Mask of Zorro

Get the picture?  The Birds is a classic and brilliant suspense film.  Now there will be intense action sequences wherein a mad gull chases and unsuspecting idiot through the streets of some little town!  Oh, the horror!  Doubtless, the bird will lob it’s pointy beak into some defenseless loser’s eye – oh, but first it’ll miss a few times, gotta make it suspenseful, right! 

Maybe there will be a cool motorcycle chase scene.  Yeah!  A flock of birds bearing down on a Harley.  Woo-hoo.  Then, Freddy can jump out of nowhere, claw a few birds, laugh maniacally; Jason can machete his head off and a giant ********** asteroid can destroy everything!!  How fitting!

The Expert Jerk: A Golden Midget

No, I’m not a golden midget.  I’m referring to that moronic little trophy that overgrown movie brats take home when some clandestine committee decides that their performance in some cheesy film is “good” or that their “story” or “direction” of said cheesy film is avantgarde and special and blah, blah, blah.

I, being a jerk (and an expert one at that) shall heretofore weigh in on what will happen at this lovely, overhyped, statue-swapping event given the moniker The Academy Awards.  All that I say is true.  It’s not my fault that everyone in the world doesn’t listen.  I’ll just follow the list of nominee’s at Oscar.com.

Actor In a Leading Role

Nominees:  George Clooney, Daniel Day-Lewis, Johnny Depp, Tommy Lee Jones, Viggo Mortensen

TEJ Pick:  Viggo Mortensen

Why:  Because he was cool as Aragorn in LOTR.   Lewis and Clooney have already had lots of plaudits; who cares about Tommy Lee Jones; and I don’t know why they won’t give it to Johnny Depp (a deep seated fear of barbers, likely).

Actor in a Supporting Role

Nominees:  Casey Affleck, Javier Bardem, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Hal Holbrook, Tom Wilkinson

TEJ Pick:  Tom Wilkinson

Why:  I have no bloody idea.  Look, Casey Affleck just seems like a gay choice; nobody wants to struggel saying that Bardem guy’s name; Hoffman won something last year, I think; who cares about Hal Holbrook; since Clooney won’t win for Michael Clayton they’ll give a sympathy midget to one of the backup stars.

Actress in a Leading Role

Nominees:  Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie, Marion Cotillard, Laura Linney, Ellen Page

TEJ Pick:  Julie Christie

Why:  Blanchett will win for the Supporting Role in that Dylan movie (great, now I’ve given away my pick for the next category!); who cares about Cotillard (does anyone even know her?); never heard of Laura Linney; and as for Page – why give Jamie Lynn Spears anymore help?

Actress in a Supporting Role

Nominees:  Cate Blanchett, Ruby Dee, Saoirse Ronan, Amy Ryan, Tilda Swinton

TEJ Pick:  Cate Blanchett (which you already knew)

Why:  Cuz she didn’t win the other one above; besides, who are those other women??

Animated Feature Film

Nominees:  Persepolis, Ratatouille, Surf’s Up

TEJ Pick:  Ratatouille, duh!

Why:  Because everyone loved the bloody movie, no one would shutup about it!  Is there even a doubt that it will win?

Art Direction

Whatever, who cares? Oh, all right.

Nominees:  American Gangster, Atonement, Golden Compass, Sweeney Todd, There Will Be Blood

TEJ Pick:  Atonement

Why:  Because Kiera Knightley looked great; Sweeney Todd’s the only other contender and it looks like every other Burton film, so let’s just stick with the seductive Knightley.

Cinematography

Nominees:  The Assassination of Jesse James …, Atonement, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood

TEJ Pick:  There Will Be Blood

Why:  Westerns are “in” right now again, but no one will want to have to recite the ridiculously long name of the other one; Atonement might take it, just cuz of the Knightley factor; who cares about the rest.

(Please note, I’m skipping a few categories here because I’m a jerk)

Directing

Nominees:  The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Men, There Will Be Blood

TEJ Pick:  No Country For Old Men

Why:  Because it’s weird, thus “artsy;”  the others are good, but not odd enough to convince a clandestine committee of snobs that they are art. 

(Skipping some more)

Film Editing

Nominees:  The Bourne Ultimatum, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Into the Wild, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood

TEJ Pick:  The Bourne Ultimatum

Why:  Quite simply, the editing on all the Bourne movies rocked – some of the best action sequences ever put together; no one cares about that Butterfly flick; I just don’t know what to say about the others.

(More category skipping!)

Best Picture

Nominees:  Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood

TEJ Pick:  No Country for Old Men

Why:  Once again, because it’s just … odd, different … and it’s got that one guy limping through the whole film – nothing says “give me a tiny gold plated trophy” like a limping killer; Atonement’s too sappy for Best Picture; Juno is just boring; Michael Clayton’s cool, but conspiracies are right out this year, unfortunately;  There Will Be Blood doesn’t have a limping killer (at least, I don’t think so).

(Oh, look, I’ve skipped some again)

Visual Effects

Nominees:  Golden Compass, Pirates of the Caribbean, Transformers

TEJ Pick:  Transformers

Why:  Oh, please!  Watching Blackout take out that military camp was sweet; seeing Optimus Prime with a blade was beyond cool!  Those other movies have nothing on the robots in disguise.

(Final bit of skipping)

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Nominees:  Juno, Lars and the Real Girl, Michael Clayton, Ratatouille, The Savages

TEJ Pick:  Michael Clayton

Why:  Sympathy statue – it’s not getting much else; Ratatouille might upset here because people just like rodents, apparently; the other movies are pointless to discuss.

Well, thus and so have I picked some of the major categories.  Take out a notebook and see how right I am when the show airs.  If it airs, of course.  Oh, sure, that one guy is all, “It’ll be on no matter what!”  But, writers can be real jerks, you know?  They may just ground the mouthy idiot.  We’ll see.

James Bond Returns – And It Sounds Retarded

So, Daniel Craig will make another Bond film.  I will herein admit that I didn’t really like Casino Royale.  Oh, sure, it was a rough-and-tumble, bloody melee – but it just didn’t feel like Bond to me.  Yeah, 007’s a ruthless guy in his way, but this last movie made him kind of … well, a doofus who managed to get lucky and whack people as he fell down stairs.  Plus, the Bond girl, Eva Green, just didn’t do anything for me.

The new spy movie is named (and this was confirmed today):  Quantum of Solace.

Yeah. 

Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds … dumb and inappropriate.  Is this, like, James Bond of the future?  A spy-fi flick?  It just doesn’t seem to fit with the whole naming thing.  Of course, maybe I’m just off about this.  I’m trying to think of other Bond films.  The Man With the Golden Gun, A View to a Kill, The World is Not Enough, You Only Live Twice, From Russia With Love, Octopussy, Quantum of Solace.

It just doesn’t fit.  Even Octopussy, my previous number one stupid Bond film title was lewdly appropriate.  This quantum thing just isn’t right.  Perhaps Harrison Ford will make a special appearance as Deckard to add to the science fiction feel promulgated by the title. 

Yes, I know, Ian Fleming did write a Bond story with the above title.  From what I’ve read about the story, it’s not even a Bond story.  Oh, he’s in it but just a hapless jerk sitting next to the governor of Jamaica listening to him tell a story about some wrecked marriage.   Bond is on assignment in Jamaica, so perhaps the film will make Bond’s assignment the reason the marriage is dissolved or whatever.  I don’t know of course, that’s pure conjecture.

So, you ask, will I watch the new Bond movie?  Probably – it’s always worth watching for the next Bond girl.  Will I mock it incessantly?  Likely. 

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